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This Second

April 13, 2012

Ok, so I meant to be writing more often on how I’m navigating my way out of this hole.  The quick update is that I haven’t skipped a meal since I went to therapy on that Friday (now 2 weeks ago).  I’ve had a few close calls, but my healthy voice has won every time.  For a few days I was still quite restrictive during meals, leaving myself feeling hungry at the end of each one.  Last Thursday, Amelia came over.  I confessed to her that I was still hungry all day.  I asked for her support to add more to my lunch.  Spending that time with her and having her specific food support really helped me to stop revelling in that hungry feeling.    I have not yet added in regular snacks.  I’ll get there.

Today was one of those close calls with lunch time.   The time pressure of grocery shopping, taking care of my kids and being on time for my (therapy!) appointment, was such a trigger.  I just sort of didn’t have lunch before my appointment.  I was starving and was so tempted to just say screw it:  I’m not eating.  But!  I didn’t give in.  Did you hear me, eating disorder?  I listened to myself, not you. 

I’ve been thinking some today about how powerful the present moment can be.  Bringing my mind to this second – this very second – makes everything that feels so complicated, so very simple.  I have this feeling and image of “coming back down.”  It is as if my brain is a storm of thoughts and worries.  And when I feel like this, that is where I live.  And every once in a while, I am reminded that is not my home.  I remember that I can stop looking around up in my brain.  I can stop wondering “what this thought means”, and “what if this”, and “who am I really”, and “why can’t I just”.  I literally envision my head pulling down, breaking its trance with my brain, and calmly looking straight ahead.  I feel the calm of my core and the simplicity of just this second. 


2 Comments leave one →
  1. Kay permalink
    April 13, 2012 7:41 pm

    The ego does not know that life being a mystery cannot be answered but only lived – Dr Vijai Shankar

  2. April 14, 2012 8:07 pm

    I love how you identify your “healthy voice”. That’s a great idea. I’m going to use that. Thanks!!!

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