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First Steps

April 6, 2012

What I’ve had to do between that Friday night and now is basically take one meal at a time.  The first few days, I really did not want to eat.  I basically had to because my husband (who from now on I’ll call Paul) now knew what was going on.  At one point on Saturday, he fell asleep in our family room from about mid morning until lunch time.  Suddenly I faced either waking him up to help me or muddle through lunch time on my own.  I chose the latter, as the former is not only hard but would add to the accountability I would face.  So, I made lunch for the kids and got the youngest down for a nap.  Now it was 12:30 and Paul was still snoozing away.  I was so angry that he had left me on my own.  Did my rational mind know that he too needs his rest?  That he needs self-care too?  That I’m a grown woman who needs to care for herself?  Yes, yes, and yes.  But right then, did I want him to hold my hand through every second of the day?  YES!  I quietly retreated to our bedroom and climbed under the covers, hoping they would shield me from myself.  My eating disordered voice told me that I could relax in the comfort that I would get to skip lunch.  About a half hour later, Paul came into the room and immediately apologized.  He knew that it was not good timing for me to be alone.   He knew that I was not feeling capable of self-care on my own.  He helped me pick something for my lunch and brought it to me in bed.  Then, while the youngest napped, so did I.  Sweet, sweet rest.  My brain was still muddled and my heart was still heavy.  But maybe, just maybe, ever so slightly lighter.

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6 Comments leave one →
  1. April 6, 2012 9:09 pm

    I recommend thinking about how you don’t want to be hungry. If you eat, you’re full and your body feels better. If you have food, why shouldn’t you be full? Why should you go through the discomfort of being hungry?

    • April 6, 2012 11:01 pm

      My healthy voice agrees wholeheartedly. It’s just when I am in this world, anything pleasurable actually feels scary. Denying myself feels good. I’ll get back to my core self. I’ve already made some great strides.

      • April 6, 2012 11:06 pm

        Wow, I’ve never heard anyone say that pleasurable things feel scary to them. I’m a Christian, so I believe God made us to enjoy our lives. Pleasure is His gift to us and we should actively seek and enjoy it.

  2. April 6, 2012 10:35 pm

    It is wonderful that Paul is such a great support system for you. Continue to take your baby steps and you will be back to where you want to be. Keep us posted…

  3. April 14, 2012 8:03 pm

    I can so relate to that emotional vs rational mind!!! I love how you wrote that you knew rationally that you are a grown woman who had to take care of yourself, and how you wanted to react, recognizing your anger etc etc. I agree with Lolly, your husband sounds like a wonderful support. I wish you luck and emotional strength as you work through this. You can do it!!!

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