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OCD targets what’s most important to you.

November 7, 2011

I’m terrified. I’m always terrified.

So scared he’s going to leave me. Some days I ask him over and over again, “Are you SURE you love me?” or “Are you SURE you’re not mad at me?” or I apologize over and over again for doing something that may or may or may not have bothered him. I know it’s annoying when I do it. I also know that sometimes I do it anyway.

The other night he said he’d call me when he got home, which should’ve been half an hour. After an hour I had terrifying images in my head of what might have happened to him. Envisioning my life without him. Envisioning hurting myself and not wanting to live without him. Hating myself for that. Worrying that simply by thinking the thought I’d make it happen. Feeling so stuck. He was fine, of course he was fine. He was talking to a friend. No big deal. But it was to m

I figured out one of the big things that’s been contributing to my spinning lately. I haven’t voiced it, written it, or really thought about it. I’m too embarrassed and ashamed to. I don’t really know what to do with it.

I’m so frustrated with exercise. I need to write a full post about it, just about exercise, but I haven’t had time. I hate that I haven’t had time. I hate that I’m writing this blog post instead of studying. I also am freaking out lately that I’m being an awful friend, awful daughter, sister, granddaughter, cousin. I don’t talk to people enough, I don’t call back soon enough, I don’t email frequently enough, I don’t provide enough support. And I try to tell myself that I’m busy, I’m insanely busy, my life is crazy and this is just the reality right now. But that’s not good enough. If I REALLY cared, if I was REALLY a good friend I’d try harder, I’d make more time.

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