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Yom Kippur

October 10, 2011

Yom Kippur is a really tough holiday in general for most Jews–we are asked to think about all of the ways we’ve wronged people during the past year, ask for their forgiveness, and choose to be better towards them in the coming year. For most people, that’s tough and emotional.

For someone with OCD? Especially someone with OCD who is currently very much “in it?” It’s torture.

I mean, think about what I just said. Think about all the ways we’ve wronged people. Well, that’s all I can think about now. Every person that I’ve done anything wrong to. Who did I forget to call? Who did I offend? Who might hate me? To whom was I an awful friend? Girlfriend? Daughter? Let’s think of every single thing I’ve ever done wrong and examine it in its entirity. Ask for their forgiveness. Well, I’m an expert at apologizing and saying “Are you mad?” and “I’m sorry” and “I won’t do it again.” And really, I’m tempted to just loop that over and over again with every person I care about, just to be sure that they don’t hate me. Choose to be better towards them in the coming year. Excellent. I am setting expectations for myself, incredibly high ones, like: “don’t upset anyone.” Or,”don’t ever say the wrong thing.” And how can I CHECK to make sure I’m doing all these things right? How can I be SURE? How can I be the best, how can I be perfect, how can I be pure?

One Comment leave one →
  1. October 28, 2011 12:24 pm

    I’ve been a bad blogger of late and haven’t checked in over here in a while. 😦 Sounds like you are really, really struggling right now. Thinking of you.

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