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Falling and failing

June 16, 2011

I just feel like such a failure. At being a person. A girlfriend, daughter, friend, student. I hate that every day when people check in with me, the answer is “I still feel the same.” That makes me feel like a failure. Even if it’s not my fault that the meds aren’t working, or that other meds are causing these symptoms. Even if I’m doing nothing wrong, it feels like I’m doing nothing right. I can’t  give them the answer they want. How long until they get sick of it and just walk away? How long until people finally decide I’m not worth having around if I can’t keep my mood stable?

It’s been about four weeks of increased symptoms, three bad weeks. Three weeks is a long time to be feeling this awful. And I’m not saying that to get sympathy–not in a selfish way. I’m saying it to try and validate for myself that yes, this has been a long haul. But it’s getting harder and harder to push through. I’m always on the verge of tears. I wake up every morning dreading the day, because what evidence do I have to the contrary that the day will be any better than days have been lately? I’m always tired and I just want to sleep my days away. I can’t face people, responsibilities, chores. I can’t do it. And that makes me feel like a failure.

It’s starting to affect my thoughts toward my body and food. I’ve had the thoughts for a little while now, but now it’s harder not to act on them. And I get it. I can understand that, I feel like my body and brain are filled with so much STUFF–so many thoughts, fears, emotions, etc., none of which are pleasant or good ones…so filling my body more with food just feels like putting more bad stuff in it. I don’t have any ROOM for anything else in my body. So, I don’t want to eat. I can cognitively understand that. I can also understand how it’s so easy for a person’s brain to turn to their body as a way of focusing. Nothing I’m doing is helping my mood–no matter what I try, nothing changes. So, I can understand why my brain would decide that if I focused on losing the fat off of my thights, that wouod make me feel better. The scary thing is that it’s harder to resist the thoughts and stop them from turning into behaviors.

And that, above everything, makes me feel like a failure.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. June 17, 2011 5:34 pm

    YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. And I can relate to that idea of feeling worried that people may leave you if you don’t get better quick enough. Unless you have mental illness, it is impossible to understand. But – I understand. Just try your best to not get worse. If staying the “same” is all it has to be for now – then so be it Just don’t demoralize yourself to the point where you give up and slide backwards. Try to hold your own as best you can. And things WILL get better. They always do…..even if it doesn’t “feel” that way right now.

  2. July 15, 2011 11:29 pm

    Amelia, how are you doing? Please check in and let us know.

    Much love,
    Lolly

    • August 17, 2011 5:56 pm

      Thank you so much for all of your kind wishes. Sorry it has taken me so long to reply–it’s a good thing! Summer has been incredibly busy but with that has come many weeks of relief from that awful storm I was in. Hope you are well. xo

  3. August 19, 2011 8:55 am

    Thinking of you! Wondering how you are doing? Waiting for some new posts :). Take care!

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