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Under the mess

June 12, 2011

Much of the last few weeks, my brain has been hurtling between thoughts.  “I have cancer.”  “I’m a terrible mother.”  “What if I cheat on my husband?”  “What if I’m crazy?”  “I don’t really have OCD.” 

When I have a moment’s rest, I feel my exhaustion.  Every brain cell, every misfiring neuron wants to collapse in defeat.  I am trying my best to find moments of peace.  I attempt to shelve the whatifs and the whoamIs  to just simply be with my breath.  When I can reach that eye of the storm, it can feel so calming.  It may not last long, but it is reassuring that it is there.  

So, my question is, am I supposed to learn something from this long lasting episode with OCD?  Is it indicative of something deeper, thematic going on with me?  Or is that more OCD talking, trying to find meaning where none lies?  Is  this a life lesson or simply a chemical imbalance?  Or both? 

Do you ever wonder if your OCD is simply masking something you don’t want to look at?

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 13, 2011 6:50 am

    I wonder about that last question all of the time, Lilah. It’s hard to tag a thought with OCD and not wonder if it is really who you are. That’s OCD’s mind trick though…

  2. June 13, 2011 8:28 pm

    Yes I wonder about that all the time too!!!

  3. June 26, 2011 7:59 pm

    I think it’s both–they are synergistic. Stress and pain make my OCD worse, and OCD can be a way to distract from the despair, but the trap for me is trying figure out which it is–I get stuck. You are not a bad person who is being punished a “life lesson”–you are a person in pain.

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