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June 4, 2011

I really do feel crazy. Maybe I am crazy. Who knows.

There’s so much bad inside of me, it feels like. I feel like nobody knows the true me. What if I’m a sociopath? What if I’m schizohrenic? What if this isn’t OCD but it’s a personality disorder? What if I’m really this awful person? What if the thoughts, the fears, what if they’re all real? What if I am all of the horrible things I fear I am?

I don’t deserve friends, I don’t deserve to be cared about, I don’t deserve love. Not if I’m that awful person.

I’m hurting so so bad. Maybe I deserve it. My brain is so fucked up and I don’t know what to believe anymore.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 4, 2011 11:24 pm

    Amelia, believe in yourself. Believe if the ounce of light that you once felt, the ounce of goodness that you’ve felt before and that you KNOW is there. Hold onto that hope. Let all of the “What If’s” be there. The more you fight them, the stronger they latch on. I’m giving you some of my hope tonight. Take it in.

    It’s ok to not know which end is up. Just be. Awfulizing is making it worse for you. You have OCD. Rememer that this will pass, this spike, this torment, it will pass soon. I’ve felt exactly the same as you, sometimes daily, sometimes weekly. It will come and go but one thing remains… That you are a strong woman and you will survive, and you are not who your OCD claims you are.

    Write back soon and let me know how you are. Thinking of you. -Lolly

  2. June 6, 2011 12:58 am

    I agree with Lolly. I’ve had the “personality disorder” thoughts before too. It passes. They all pass. You can do this! I’m learning that the more I buy into, fight, or give any “power” to these thoughts the more I believe them. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. At some point you will be through this. You’ll be on the other side.

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