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Things are hard.

June 1, 2011

I’m struggling. I don’t want to admit that to myself, let alone to anyone else. But I don’t think I can keep hiding from it.

Signs and symptoms have been there for a little while but I’ve been avoiding them, hoping they’d pass and go away, like they sometimes do. But I can’t do that anymore.

Yesterday I was half an hour late to work, partly because I overslept a little, but partly because I was totally frozen getting dressed. This has been happening a lot lately but I can generally snap myself out of it. Not yesterday. What happens is, I stand in front of my closet and literally can’t move. I cannot make a decision about what to wear. I have no idea what’s right, what’s wrong, what I’ll be too hot in, too cold in, what will make me look pretty, what will be ugly, what makes me look fat and what’s flattering. I finally try on shirt after shirt, outfit after outfit, unable to make a decision. It’s less about poor body image and more about OCD thoughts, needing it to be the PERFECT outfit for a variety of senseless criteria.

I’m ashamed of the other thoughts I’ve been having. I won’t share them.

I was on the verge of tears all day yesterday; my heart and soul were so heavy that I thought I was just going to fall to the ground.

During class in the evening, I was nowhere near paying attention, I was stuck in my head in medically-induced spins. Called my dad in the middle of class, totally hyperventilating because I was convinced various medical things were wrong with me.

While I was on the phone I had to quickly move down the hallway because I was afraid that I’d pull the fire alarm.

I’m afraid I love people more than they love me. I’m afraid I’m hurting those I love.

I’m so afraid.

So many little things here and there somehow, very suddenly, added together, and now here I am, sitting here with a pit in my stomach, churning anxiety within.

I guess this means I have to keep my psychiatrist appointment next week. I guess it means that the increase in meds wasn’t enough. I guess it means that despite my fears, it’s time to listen to her and taper off this med and enter back into the cycle of finding The Right Medicine Plus The Right Dosage.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. June 2, 2011 12:45 am

    You’ll be OK. I feel for you. I just went through a rough two weeks. My heart aches for you – reading what you’re going through. That gradual “downhill” – feels like it’s so out of your control and meanwhile you’re so demoralized because what happened to all the great perspective you had??? You will get through it. I am sending you virtual hugs. Lean on me as much as you can.

    • June 2, 2011 9:24 pm

      I know exactly what you are going though, Amelia. It’s like we can foresee it. We feel ourselves gradually fading to the place we fear the most. Like POC said, you will get through it. The only way out is through… And yes, lean on us, that’s why we’re here… 🙂

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