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May 28, 2011

I feel like I’m neglecting everyone and everything. I can’t do it all, I just can’t. I can’t put this much energy into school AND into what is still a semi-new romantic relationship AND into keeping myself relatively happy and okay AND still manage to keep in touch with everyone as often as they’d like. I can’t do it all.

And yet that makes me feel like a failure. How many people am I disappointing? How many people are thinking that I’m an awful friend? How many people are going to cut me out of their lives because they think I don’t care enough to keep them in mine?

I feel so much guilt. No matter what I do, no matter which way I put my focus, I let someone down. It’s a sinking realization that is making my heart heavy. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to fix it. I fear I can’t fix it. I spin, I wonder, I replay interactions. And still, the conclusion I come to, is, I can’t do it all.

Does that make me human? Or a failure?

One Comment leave one →
  1. May 28, 2011 7:37 pm

    I can relate!!! I’ve often thought that I don’t think I’ll ever be able to live a ‘normal” life because staying sane takes so much of my time and energy. I’ve had relationships in the past, but as soon as I do – the OCD ramps up and goes crazy, and of course at that point I don’t have the inclination or whatever to do what I need to do to battle it and the next thing you know I’m in a full blown breakdown. Don’t learn from me! :o) I’m hoping that next time will be different. I don’t know how to proritize, and I can also understand the guilt. Sorry I can’t be more helpful and positive – once you find the answer let me know!!!

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