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Facing the fear=blogging

April 21, 2011

For the first time in this relationship, I had a flash of feeling yucky after being intimate and after I stopped to think about it. Followed by instant fear (a double barometer if you will; judging the feeling yucky. Feeling fear about the feeling yucky.)

OCD had a field day.

“See, you’re not over the bad things that have happened to you, if they even WERE bad things, a) you’re probably just making them into bigger deals then they were, and b) let’s humor you and say that they did happen, well, all the progress you thought you made doesn’t exist and you’re going to slide backwards. You probably won’t ever feel comfortable with him again. You should probably just give up because you’re going to start getting triggered and upset and have flashbacks again. The PTSD will probably come back. I TOLD you. Fine, you really want to fight me on this? Go think about everything that you’ve been through, in every excruciating detail, and prove to me that it was real. I dare you. Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t. Because you made it into something it wasn’t. You’re such a fake.”

OCD’s voice was so cruel tonight, when all I need is some compassion telling me exactly the opposite–that, there’s actually a very good reason that I felt yucky after tonight, that it doesn’t have anything to do with our relationship being messed up, that it makes sense given the conversations we had and the things that came up, that I’m not moving backwards, that the progress was real, that I didn’t make those things into bigger things than they were, that they were big deals (….right?), that I beat PTSD and that a weird feeling doesn’t even remotely mean I’m returning to that Awful Period of Nightmares and Fear.

I will not let myself run from this. I will look fear, uncomfortable feelings, and OCD in the eye. They can be strong but I can be strong, too.

“Courage isn’t feeling free from fear; courage is facing the fear you feel.” ~ Robert Schuller

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