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Don’t judge. Just be.

March 28, 2011

So much of my spinning about relationships, of all kind, stems from the fact that in many of my past relationships, I wasn’t give any warning as to when I was being too needy, crossing boundaries, taking more than I was giving, etc. Instead of the other person bringing it up, so we could work through it, I was just dropped, instantly.

Which is why it was so easy for OCD to latch onto relationship fears: Since I wasn’t going to have any concrete knowledge of whether or not my relationships were in a good place or not, I’d better analyze every single aspect of them and hopefully find an answer myself. And thus, enter countless hours of spinning–analyzing conversations, who said what, who did what, who made what facial expression, what could that mean, what are the possible ways I could’ve screwed up, what is the percent chance that the other person is upset with me and doesn’t want me in their live anymore, etc. On and on and on, you know the drill.

Now, I’m in a much better place than I was a few years ago, with all of that. Close friends know that it’s important to me to be honest, so that if I’m bothering them, they need to let me know, so that I can change it. And when they tell me, “I will tell you if I’m upset with you,” that (theoretically) cancels out OCD’s role in the situation; OCD doesn’t need to do all the spinning and analyzing, because I WILL have concrete knowledge if something is going awry. Yes, I still get nervous from time to time, especially when OCD has decided to increase, or if there’s a little conflict, or whatnot. But generally, much better now that I’ve had those conversations.

Yet, it still baffles me that with a random, seemingly-insignificant, seemingly how-could-this-possibly-trigger-OCD, I can be set back light-years and without any warning, be back in the whirpool of constant spinning with no way out…let’s review the past month, what have all of our conversations been like, what have I said, what has she said, what are the indications that she might be upset with me, what’s the chance that I upset her, let’s see if we can decide if the chance of her wanting me out of her life is greater than 50%, greater than 75%, even greater than that?

Enter The Need to Be Compassionate. Maybe it’s not such an insignificant trigger, maybe it does hit a nerve from a memory from one of those failed relationships years ago. Maybe I have a right to get nervous, and maybe I can be proud of myself for coming right here to blog instead of allowing myself to sit on the couch and stare into space, instead of getting work done, and spinning until it’s time to go to bed. Maybe I can remember that multiple people, including People Who Get It, as well as professionals (as well as MYSELF, most importantly, I think??) have confirmed, and validated, that OCD symptoms have been pretty rough the past few weeks, and that it’s time to tackle that with medication…in which case, of course it triggered a spin.

Maybe I don’t have to panic, and maybe I can just accept it, be mindful of where I’m at, and try to let it come and go, without judgment one way or the other.


2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 28, 2011 8:54 pm

    This is exatly where I’ve been lately! I have a friend who doesn’t fit those “I’ll be honest with you when I’m upset with you” criteria and it makes me crazy. Literally. Not to mention all the relationship obsessing that I have done and still do. But it’s not only intimate relationships – it’s friendships too. Thank you for writing this – you put it in words that made me feel like I’m not alone and for some reason when someone else writes the same kind of stuff it puts things in perspective for me!! And I agree totally – let’s be compassionate with ourselves. :o)

  2. April 21, 2011 9:52 pm

    I’ve so been here…and then of course if you want people to be blatantly honest with you just so you can help with the self-doubt, you feel like you are being needy by asking them to be completely honest when they might not be comfortable with that.

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