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I’m okay…yeah, I’m fine. Whatever…

March 17, 2011

I’m avoiding.

This is the recurrent thought, and the subsequent spin, that I am avoiding:

“I don’t really have feelings for him. He likes me more than I like him. My feelings for him aren’t real. I’m tricking myself into believing that I have feelings for him, just because I want someone to care about me. Therefore, I am a manipulative, pathetic, awful person.”

This is the recurrent question that I am avoiding:

At what point is it legitimate, and does it make sense, to increase medication? At what point does it become “I should not be struggling this often this intensely” versus “This is life, and you have OCD, and you’re never not going to struggle, so this is how it is?”

This is the compulsion that I’m avoiding thinking about:

I want to wash my hands, or purell them, even though I haven’t really touched anything too dirty since I last purell’d them, they don’t feel 100% perfectly clean.”

And also,

avoiding dealing with the fact that it is taking longer and longer to leave my apartment each morning because I’m checking checking checking, everything.

Which then returns me to….

At what point is it a good idea to increase the medication, and not just a cop-out? Is it ever a cop-out? When is it legitimate? Where’s the line between “normal” OCD and “Okay, it shouldn’t be this intense this often?

One Comment leave one →
  1. March 24, 2011 6:52 pm

    I understand your spinning, such a hard decision with-out any straight forward answers to find… But medication is never a cop-out, you handle your OCD and spinning so well! It is okay to get a little help too! If it gets to be too uncomfortable and unmanageable you owe it to yourself to increase your meds, even just temporarily, until you get back to the manageable comfort zone 🙂 . You do so well explaining the matrix of OCD and how it affects your mind and I am amazed how clearly you can focus when you write/blog despite the type of day OCD is handing you. Great job!! Don’t worry, this episode will calm down, the intensity of it will dull I promise, it always does! 🙂 The spinning will slow down and you will feel better. Maybe your OCD is just afraid of the feelings you do have for him, it is just the fear talking. The fear always speaks to us and tricks us, do not give in to it, you deserve this great guy and he deserves you too! Fight the OCD, smile, and let yourself try and feel for him – you will see soon whether or not the feelings are true. 🙂 Thinking of you, hoping things get better soon! Erin

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