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Releasing the pressure valve.

February 27, 2011

I refuse to let myself slip into another I-am-not-talking-about-thoughts-and-emotions-so-they-build-up-and-then-explode-in-the-form-of-a-big-OCD-rough-patch. So, in the spirit of that…

I went out last night and woke up this morning with a sinking feeling. My instinct was to ignore it and just not think about it, hope it would go away, and do the whole Super Avoidance thing. But then, with a heavy sigh, I remembered that I don’t actually enjoy when things build up, so I figured what the heck, might as well write another blog entry.

I’m not quite sure what the sinking feeling is from, but there’s one thing on my mind so I’ll write about that in the hopes that it’s related somehow. Last night I spent quite a bit of time answering questions about the guy I’ve been seeing, telling my friends about him, etc. They wanted to know how he treats me, examples of that, things he’s said and done, have we been into each other’s apartments, have we slept together, etc. Typical girl talk things. I had no problem answering them–he treats me better than I can explain, I have countless examples of it, we haven’t been in apartments yet, we haven’t done anything other than make out a little in front of my doorstep, etc. But then, maybe because I had some drinks in me and didn’t hesitate about saying this, I told the group, “It’s still so strange for me to be treated well, because I’m not used to it.” That’s a BIG statement for me–not just to tell people, but to admit to myself. Both components of that make it emotionally draining to say out loud, or in my head. It’s hard to face the fact that no, I haven’t been treated well by guys (because it brings up emotions and memories of things that have happened, evidence that proves that statement right) and it’s also hard to see people’s reactions when I make that statement. I spent most of my life not telling anyone anything that ever happened to me, whether it was one of the Big Bad Things or smaller, less significant things…and lately I’ve felt a compelling need to be open and honest, which doesn’t mean sharing every single thing, but it means not shying away from the facts, and the fact is that yeah, it still IS surprising for me.

And hearing myself say that statement, and hearing people say things to me, like, “I’m so glad he treats you well, you deserve it.” or “I’m so happy for you,” or anything like that, sometimes brings tears to my eyes, because…well, I’m not sure why. I don’t know how to articulate it. It’s just all so emotionally-loaded, which isn’t a bad thing–they’re good emotions, you know? It’s just that an emotional overload, even when it’s positive emotions, can be very draining. I’m not sure why, I don’t know how to put that into words either. It makes sense in my head, I think, but I can’t clearly explain it. It’s hard to wrap my head around why positive emotions could be hard. Or something like that.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. February 28, 2011 6:14 pm

    I know how hard it is when those sorts of emotions come up, even if they are good, and trying to articulate them can feel impossible. Trying to manage the good emotions which are true and valid can be difficult when the OCD side is trying to remind you that you don’t deserve it, are not worth it and need to take certain steps in order to prove your worth (which is never enough anyway). Thinking of you. xo.

    • February 28, 2011 7:41 pm

      Thanks for thinking of me. In this case it’s actually not that OCD is telling me that I don’t deserve it, or anything negative (which is great!) but it’s more that the intensity of the emotion is overwhelming–despite the fact that it’s a good emotion. Does that make sense? It’s hard to explain! Hope you are well…

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