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On friendship.

January 7, 2011

Seriously, I need to get over myself. WHY is it, that after all this time, all these years, all these experiences, I’m still so afraid of being forgotten and left behind? Yes, I’ve come a long way, blahblahblah. But if I’ve come such a long way, why does it affect me when these two friends are together and THEN call me to see if I want to get together? Why does that set off a chain of spinning about They clearly don’t like me as much as they like each other, they don’t really want to see me, they don’t really care about me, I’m ranked second and that’s not good enough. Totally judging myself for those thoughts, by the way….because honestly? The thoughts are crap. I am totally aware, and okay with, the fact that certain people have different relationships than others, and that certain people are closer than others. I certainly have friendships that are different with one person than the other, or whatever. And rationally I know it means nothing…it literally means nothing except, they frequently hang out, because their schedules match up better, so they are together, and also wanted to include me in that, because we’re all close friends. (But why didn’t they call me first, why was I the second, why wasn’t I part of the original plan? Because I come second, because I’ll never be good enough, because because because….)

So WHY does it put a pit in my stomach, set off a whirlwind in my head, and ultimately cause me to judge myself for being so selfish to even think this way?

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