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Fear.

October 22, 2010

What I know:
–It is never the victim’s fault
–There is no hierarchy of sexual assault
–That is, no matter what happened, it matters
–That professionals have validated what I have said, and believed me
–That nobody has ever told me they thought I was lying
–That PTSD almost destroyed me at one point, and that is no longer the case
–In fact, I don’t even have a diagnosis of PTSD anymore

What I fear:
–That it was all my fault
–That I asked for it….all of it
–That I will never trust again
–That nobody will want to get close to me
–That even if I go months, or years, without one, that the body memories will never go away
–That I made it up
–That it was all. my. fault

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 26, 2010 10:26 pm

    There is a painful limbo inbetween what you know and what you fear. I have often been in that place, and it’s as if the knowledge makes things worse, because I don’t believe it, and then judge myself for my unbelief. It was a radical idea when my therapist said I could trust my own thinking, my own knowledge. Part of my treatment for OCD has been taking the risk that the fears are true, but going ahead and living my life anyway, in the face of what I fear, and slowly strengthening my faith in my own thinking.

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