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And all I need is company….

October 9, 2010

Man, I’m struggling. I am trying hard (sometimes harder than others, but generally pretty hard) to have down time, to tune in, to do things that I like, to be with people with whom I can talk about things, etc.

But some of the sinking feelings are coming back–some of the nonstop
i’m….. wearingthewrongthingthinkingthewrongthingdoingthewrongthingsayingthewrongthingaskingthewrongthingbloggingthewrongthing that goes over and over again.

I don’t know what that’s happening. I know that sometimes I get random OCD increases, because it goes in waves. So maybe that’s all it is. Maybe it’s because there are some things that I still have yet to talk to anyone about, and I’m pushing them to the back burner. Maybe it’s because while I’m trying to make time to see friends and talk to friends, I haven’t had any talks about the back burner things, it’s all been about classesworkloadclientspapersgradschool.

OCD has three different things that can happen: the number of thoughts can increase, the intensity of the thoughts can increase, and the believability of the thoughts can increase. (Maybe more detail on those three things to come in another blog). Right now I haven’t reached the point of the believability increasing; and I’m not getting the bad thoughts. It’s more a general feeling of dread and anxiety and sadness and loneliness. But it’s not constant, and it’s not totally debilitating. It’s just there, and it lends way into “But what if it gets worse, what if it increases, what if this turns into a really bad, hard time, what if what if what if what if….”

And sometimes I think all I need is a hug, a cup of tea or coffee, and a listening ear. But sometimes it’s just hard to ask for that.

One Comment leave one →
  1. October 11, 2010 7:59 am

    Oh, I so resonate with the “what if it gets worse” questions! I’m sorry you are struggling with this right now. Pervasive dread is a hallmark of my OCD, as is “obsessing about obsessing”–and it really sucks. But I do know that sometimes the harder I try to figure out why my OCD thoughts are flaring, the more anxious I get. It’s that desire to know for certain that entangles me in my own mind. And obsessing about whether the thoughts will get worse is another thing that feeds my OCD. Dread and sadness can pass–but I never had a chance to really learn that since I had OCD and depression for much of my life. We can’t know if the thoughts will get more intense at any given moment–I’ve really had to wrestle with this. I still get panicky when I feel dread–but I also know that practicing letting the dread be there while I go on living my life and doing what is valuable to me leads to freedom, as does having someone to listen. I hope you can ask for that listening ear.

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