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I haven’t wanted to write in a while.

September 20, 2010

Things are going well. Truly. I like where I am in my life, personally and professionally, and I like how things are going. I transitioned well and I like (most) of the changes that happened. Things are good.

But.

Little things are nagging at me here and there. Quick snippets of scary thoughts. Occasional bad dreams about bad people. Fears brought on by lack of enough sleep/lack of enough down-time.

I have this huge desire within me to talk about something, but something that I don’t think I could talk to anyone about, maybe other than a therapist. It would fall in my old categories of “burdening people” or “bothering them”, or “talking about things that prove that I had/have hard times and that would make me too messed up for others to want to be around”. Those are old beliefs, but maybe the reason they’re coming up again is because the things I need to talk about are based in older time frames, back when those beliefs were my reality. I feel as though each moment, each day, that I stuff it down again and don’t speak, causes it to grow more and more and I’m just a ticking time bomb…when will it explode? What will happen? Will anything even happen? It’s a strange time bomb because while I’m aware of the fact that it’s there, it doesn’t consume me, not even a little bit. I notice it and move on. Which is possibly why it’s so easy to not do anything about it.

I have these strange thoughts about time, and my life…I don’t know how to explain them. They make sense in my head and then I can’t get them down on paper (not that I’ve tried) or to another person (also, not that I’ve tried). I need to figure out how to get those thoughts out of my head and into the world, or at least into a tiny part of the world where someone can hear them. Does that make me needy?

A little spinning here and there, a little fear, a pinch of doubt and a dash of anxiety.

But truly, things are good. That is the truth. That’s possible, right? For things to overall be god but just have some side stuff going on? I truly do not believe I’m lying to myself, making things seem better than they are, or trying to convince myself things are good when they’re not. Things are overall good. And I am having these other things happening that are a little hard. Separate statements, yet occurring together.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. October 11, 2010 8:02 am

    I had a therapist who said feelings are like pancakes–they come in stacks. I believe that both the good and bad can coexist in my life–it was the OCD that would insist that I couldn’t do anything until I got rid of every anxious thought, that somehow the thoughts would “contaminate” the good things in my life.

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