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If I don’t write this, there’s a large chance of imploding.

August 9, 2010

I have been avoiding things lately, not tuning in. I am very aware of this. I need to talk, I need to write. But I don’t want to. I want to continue avoiding. So, a compromise…not writing, but, a list.

I am avoiding…..
–Allowing myself to grieve the end of my summer job, that is coming faster and faster
–Fearing moving out of my house and into an apartment
–The anticipation of starting grad school
–The feelings, thoughts, and emotions that are coming up now that I am dating again
–Thinking about the dreams I’ve been having lately, that have a lot to do with various abusive/traumatic situations
–Acknowledging that I am in a place where I need, and want, to talk about past traumatic experiences…because who would I talk to about them, and what would I say
–The increase in OCD thoughts and fears
–The reasons why I spent all of yesterday in an intense depersonalization fog.
–The fact that at the moment the anxiety has mounted so much that it’s hard to breathe.

How the hell do I even begin tackling this list?

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 12, 2010 6:14 am

    Great article, thanks for sharing this. I have subscribed to your RSS feed and am looking forward to reading more from you.
    Keep up the good work and don’t stop posting please.

  2. August 13, 2010 9:36 pm

    I’m glad you wrote the list–that’s big. In my long history of avoidance, even writing a list felt scary. My instinct is to say that you begin tackling the list by finding someone to talk to. I expect myself to do everything at once, and when a person is in pain, you want relief right away, but the expectation of doing it all at once makes it even more painful.

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