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Today

July 13, 2010

Today was exhausting.  I’ve been up and down for a few weeks now.  I went to therapy this morning, anxious to unload everything that had been building but nervous for being released again into what I can only describe as, “the wild.”  I almost felt angry that I didn’t feel “fixed” by the end of therapy.  How could she send me back out into the world in my current state?  Why won’t someone take the wheel for awhile?  I am just feeling so depleted of energy and motivation.  The world feels scary right now.  I am frozen in fear. 

I fear the day that something bad will happen to someone I love.

I fear that I will never recover from whatever bad thing is going to happen.

I fear that I am a terrible mother.

I fear that I am a terrible wife.

I fear that I am a terrible friend.

I fear that I am a terrible sister.

I fear that I am a terrible daughter.

I fear that I have offended someone/anyone/everyone.

I fear sitting with any of these feelings.

I fear that this depressed feeling will never go away.

I tell myself that I am so burdensome for not being able to cope better. 

I need to find the balance between structure and avoidance.   I need to set my day up so that I have a plan, but that the plan doesn’t fill every last moment. 

 

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. July 16, 2010 7:56 am

    What an incredibly powerful image of being “released into the wild” after therapy! My therapist does some aspects of DBT with me to help me tolerate strong and painful emotions so I can make room for my life and my self and deal with the OCD. He realized that some of his clients would get too flooded with old traumatic fears and sadness to move forward, and he needed to work explicitly on addressing this–he said he can’t “fix” me but he can make it easier for me to survive in the wild.

  2. August 8, 2010 8:47 pm

    I hate leaving therapy feeling “unfixed”, too. I always want to go in crazy and come out sane, but I usually just feel crazier when I leave than when I went in. So frustrating!!

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