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All I ever do is let people down.

July 11, 2010
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See, this is what happens when I put myself first. Others get upset, because I didn’t think of them first, and I am the reason for them being upset. I am the cause of their pain, the cause of their sorrow. I am selfish. I don’t deserve to be put first. I don’t deserve to think of myself before others. When I do that, others hurt. And it’s my fault. This is why for years, I never considered my own thoughts and feelings. It killed me inside sometimes, but at least I didn’t have to worry about taking on the responsibility for the sadness and disappointment of other people. At least then I didn’t have to spin about how people hated me because of what I did, or didn’t do, or said, or didn’t say. At least when I tried to consider every person above myself, that was one area that OCD let up and the spinning wasn’t as bad. But right now? Spinning in full force. Crying. I feel like an awful person. I cause disappointment and sadness and sorrow and awful things in other people. I should not make my own decisions. I should not tune into my own feelings. I need to suck it up and do what is expected of me, do what others want me to do. Do what will make others happy.I want to apologize for the next few hours and check check check and not stop asking for reassurance until I fall asleep from exhaustion.

I suck I suck I suck I suck.

Horrible thoughts are running through my head right now.

6 Comments leave one →
  1. July 16, 2010 7:53 am

    I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this kind of pain. Remember that the OCD is going to tell you that certainty is possible, when in fact we can never prevent all pain and sadness in other people. There is no universal rule that says you are the one person required to make everyone happy, and that you don’t matter. You DO matter.

    • July 16, 2010 7:11 pm

      I think that rationally that makes total sense. But if I’m having a hard time, OCD will respond to that by saying something like, “Maybe I’m not the ONE person required to make everyone happy, but I should at least do everything I can to avoid making someone upset or sad.” And of course that then leads to the whole issue all over again. It’s such a cycle, you know? Thank you for your comment–it truly always helps to get that compassion-filled insight.

      • August 3, 2010 1:39 pm

        Yes, I know the voice of which you speak, that will always find the exception. If the voice is degrading me, berating, eroding, and destructive, I am learning to recognize it as OCD. It will always find a loophole–that’s its method.

        • April 9, 2011 10:47 am

          I identify a lot with this post. I’m finding it hard to focus at the moment, I’m in an abusive situation, involving both active and passive abuse.

          Reading expwoman’s comment about the voice of OCD, I just had a thought that, at the moment, more often than not I am the voice of OCD in my neighbour’s lives. Then there was another occult/paranormal type of reaction from upstairs and, again, I can’t feel committed to any statement I make and understand it as being true.

          I’ve just come across your blog. I haven’t read enough of it to know if this is something you understand or are familiar with in your own experience? This has just made me want to do an internet search on OCD and occult/paranormal, but I would appreciate your feedback if you feel able. In spite of the violence and contempt, they always manage to make me feel I am lying.

  2. July 18, 2010 7:48 am

    oh lovely one. this hit me so hard right now. i’m so sorry you are going through this. i am having similar battles at present and it’s exhausting. absolutely exhausting. thinking of you. xo.

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