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Warning signs…..

May 30, 2010

….that I might be on the verge of a rough OCD patch (or already in one?):

1. I started a blog entry a week ago, about an OCD fear/intrusive thought that I have never written about, or spoken about. I have sat down to finish it and post it several times and can’t bring myself to, because I am worrying what people will think about me for writing it. Worrying about what it’ll say about me.

2. I am getting visions of death again, which are one of the most debilitating for me. I don’t want my family going anywhere without me, in case there’s an accident and they die and I’m not with them. My parents are taking a trip this summer and flying together, alone, for the first time ever. I’m already panicking about it, and getting images of the plane crashing and us being without them. That brief image/thought alone makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs, or cry, and beg them to not go.

3. I went to the beach today and got burned, which rarely happens because I’m anal about sunscreen. Since getting home, I have asked my parents at least three times if they think I could get skin cancer, and have checked the skin cancer signs online, “just to be sure”.

Yeah. Not so good.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. June 1, 2010 1:41 pm

    Oh yes, I have been there with the warning signs of my ocd. I’m sorry you are getting that pervasive dread! I would encourage you to take whatever steps you can to reclaim yourself from the ocd–any step in the right direction is a wonderful thing. For 1)Credit for writing the intrusive thought down–that is very brave! What’s the next thing you could do? If posting is too scary, how about writing it down again until you get more used to it? 2)Death fears are so painful. ocd is demanding that you know for certain your parents won’t die–and sadly, humans don’t get that certainty. I really hate that fact, but ocd will take your parents away from you, in the sense of not being able to enjoy their presence because of the fears. 3) Health anxiety is my biggest ocd challenge. The more I research, the worse my ocd gets. My therapist is working with me on learning to “see it, not be it”–the ocd stuff will be noisy, but I can still live my life, letting it be there, but not dictating what I do.

    • June 1, 2010 10:55 pm

      I can’t thank you enough for your comment–it was so full of compassion that it nearly brought tears to my eyes. And it helped melt away the judging and inward anger/frustration that have been present the past few days. I’m sorry that you struggle with this too, but it is so helpful to know that you understand–thank you, so much, for your kind words.

  2. June 24, 2010 11:25 am

    I am so glad you found some comfort in my words. I know how lonely it can be trying to deal with fears.

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