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she’s gone

April 1, 2010

That’s the text I got a week and a half ago.  I knew it was coming, so it wasn’t a shock.  And all at once it was.  A shock.  How could she be gone?   

For whatever reason, I don’t really want to get into detail of the services except to say they were intense, awful, and strangely beautiful all at once.  The days following, I felt zombie-like.  I couldn’t string a sentence together, couldn’t answer simple questions.  And I cried.  A lot.  I’ve taken to sleeping in our spare bedroom so that I can fall asleep to the TV.   Nighttime is scary for me, when I have intense feelings going on.  Somehow, during the day, I can keep it focused on the grief, the loss, the beauty of her life.  At night, the whole cancer journey and ultimate loss of life becomes this amorphous, overwhelming fear of life itself.  Life.  Ready to sink its teeth into my happiness at anytime.  So, the TV became self-protective. 

Now, I am better able to function in the day.  I’m still a little lost, but instead of a stream of tears that only takes a few breaks, it’s more like a horrible jolt a few times a day when I remember I can’t make anymore memories with her.  Except at night. That’s when I want to cry.  Only, I watch TV instead.  I know I need to be careful and shut that thing off so I can get back to the business of feeling.  Grief is such a desperate hole at times, that I just don’t want to keep travelling there. 

Overall, I am proud of how I’ve dealt with this.  I guess I just need to continue to be self-protective and let myself keep feeling.

-Lilah

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 2, 2010 2:00 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you can allow yourself to feel and to grieve as it comes naturally to you. There is no hurry to move on.

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