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I’m better.

March 5, 2010

Today in therapy, I couldn’t think of much to talk about. That’s happened consistently the past few times I’ve seen my therapist. We make small talk, and talk about things here and there, but for the most part, things are good. And they have been good for a while now. My therapist leaned forward, and looked me in the eye, and said, “You are better.” Now, I know I’m better. I know I’ve recovered leaps and bounds, in many aspects of my life, and I know I’ve grown and changed in huge amounts. But hearing it simply and firmly like that–I burst into tears. It was really emotional. We talked about termination of therapy, which is going to happen in a few months, and I’m okay with it. I told her that I don’t feel like I *need* to come in each week, or every other week, but that at this point, I’m so used to being in therapy that it’s weird to imagine taking a break from it. It’s strange to imagine my life where I don’t have these big issues or have scary things to work through. I’m not hiding an eating disorder, or anxiety, or traumatic events, or OCD. It’s all out on the table now, and it’s all been worked through. There are no more secrets, and I am finally liberated.

Oh, I know that I’ll probably be back in therapy at some point. And I also know that this is in no way the “end” of my struggles. But it most certainly is a brand new chapter, as clear-cut as it gets. And that’s strange to me. It’s weird to think about having things at a constant instead of having major ups and downs, hard times and good times, etc. There used to be such a strong, intense distinction. Now, it’s calmer. It goes up and down or good or bad, but it’s calmer. And it’s more normalized.

It’s hard for me to be normal. Strange, isn’t it? I’m a sensitive person–I crave strong, intense things. Intense flavors, colors, weather, conversations, emotions. So in a way, my therapist told me that she thinks it might feel like a loss to not be feeling the extreme emotions so much. And that while in so many ways I hated keeping things secrets and having “major issues” from time to time, it’s a loss to not have that anymore. The intensity of the emotion of working through something big in therapy, or finally telling someone a big secret, or being held or talked to when I was sad or scared, was something I really loved. And I’m able to not judge myself for that–it’s just who I am. It doesn’t mean I made things up. It doesn’t mean I faked it. It means that through all the bad, there was a bit of good. And it’s kind of a loss.

So, we talked about ways to find that intensity and to keep it in my life, because intensity is a good thing. I’ve always been that way–nothing wrong with it. And I can keep being that way, whether things are good or bad or what.

I kept saying to my therapist “This is so weird”. “It’s just strange”. Half of my life has been spent in one way, and beginning this new chapter is bizarre. Wonderful and good but strange. For so long I couldn’t imagine ever being at this point, because there were always more issues, more secrets, more problems. But I did get here. I worked hard, my therapist reminded me. I got myself to this point. I got myself better.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. March 5, 2010 11:04 pm

    Congrats A. This is such a wonderful, positive post. Being that I’m not a fan of change, and that I’ve lived with “issues” for at least the last 17 years but probably longer – being better scares the crap out of me! It immediately provokes the whiney response “But I don’t WANNA be better…I just want everything to stay the same”. It gives me hope that maybe I will want to be better at some point…and then, at some further point, I might actually BE better. There will always be “things”, like you say, but you have done the work, you have gotten yourself better. So happy for you!! Nova xx

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