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Disjointed thoughts

January 4, 2010

I woke up with an anxious pit in my stomach. The days when that happens, it’s just not a good sign. I am working on choking down breakfast, and even my coffee is hard to handle. My leg is bouncing like crazy, up and down and up and down. My stomach is swirling and I want to crawl into bed and go back to sleep and hide from…what? I don’t know. The world? My feelings? This hasn’t happened in so long. So you’d think I would be glad about that, right? And I guess I am, but I’m also just sad–it is so much harder to have a hard day after a lot of good days. And ironically, yesterday I found myself thinking, “I’ve been feeling so good lately–I wonder when that’s going to end”. Which I know is super pessimistic of me, but what can I say. Maybe that’s what brought upon this. Or maybe it’s the fact that I did quick journaling last night and wrote about some trauma stuff I’ve been thinking about and haven’t talked to anyone about yet. It definitely feels like the anxiety I feel when trauma stuff comes up, at least. And sometimes I can’t just sit with the anxiety and instead I get anxious about being anxious–like when I have panic about panic. Instead of allowing myself to just feel the anxiety and ride it out, instead it turns into worries–what if this lasts forever? What if it doesn’t pass? I am babysitting today, what if I’m too anxious to be a good babysitter? I’m supposed to see friends tonight, what if I’m too anxious to enjoy it? What if I have no appetite when we go out to dinner? What if this, what if that, on and on and on. And I don’t even think there was entirely a point of writing this, except to force myself to get it out a little bit, because I probably wouldn’t have otherwise.

Amelia

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One Comment leave one →
  1. theerivs permalink
    January 5, 2010 4:46 pm

    Ever see into Yoga, or meditation practices. Just seems like you need to calm the mind.

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