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Clutter

December 12, 2009

The following is an account of an OCD thought that first visited me around the age of 14.   The thought cluttered my mind for probably about 3 years.   I didn’t utter a word of this until I was about 28, sitting in therapy.  This is the most I’ve ever shared about it and it’s the first of many thoughts that caused me true shame into adulthood.  I know what this is now.  It’s OCD.  It’s OCD finding hunting down something precious to me and sinking it’s teeth in.

 

Riding in the passenger seat next to my older brother Sean, an image comes from nowhere.  Waltzes into my brain.   Asian teenager, about my age.  I can only see her face and she is gone just a quickly as she came.  I hate Asians, my brain whispers

Oh my God, I think.  I am a terrible person.    How could I?  

I hate Asians, it states, this time more emphatically. 

I start to panic.  My heart beats faster and I glance at my brother.  Oh God, if he knew.  I decide to test myself.  I will think about a beloved family who I have babysat for the past 4 years.   They are Chinese.  I don’t think I hate them, but this will help me know.  I stare at the highway stretching out in front of me and command my mind’s eye to see the woman and children who I love. 

I hate Asians, my brain insists.

Great, so now I’m racist.  One more thing that my family doesn’t know about me.  No one knows.  And no one ever can.    Maybe I’m just filled with hate.  Hate is what fills me.

Until Next Time,

Lilah 

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Totally Detached permalink
    December 14, 2009 12:37 pm

    From reading your blog I can see that there’s so much that I didn’t know about, or associate with, OCD.
    I can relate to a lot of things you write about on here.
    x TD

  2. theerivs permalink
    December 17, 2009 12:10 pm

    Hate without action is just a fleeting emotion like any other. It’s when acted upon, the tragedy starts.

    • December 17, 2009 2:35 pm

      I know what you mean, and I agree….. but, this is not a case of hate. It’s a case of OCD latching onto something I love and tormenting me with shame.

      • theerivs permalink
        December 18, 2009 5:34 pm

        Ah I think I understand.

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  1. So NOT racist. « What No One Knew

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