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Internal Babble

December 11, 2009

“You said the wrong thing. You always say the wrong thing. You were rude/mean/inconsiderate. You said the wrong thing and now people are upset with you. Or maybe they’re just upset. But that’s worse. YOU are the cause of their suffering. YOU are the reason their good day turned into a bad day. It’s your fault. YOUR. FAULT. People thought talking to you would make their day better. You made it worse. You always say the wrong thing. ALWAYS.

You just shouldn’t bother talking to people. Don’t try to help, don’t try to converse, don’t try. You. ruin. everything. You bring more stress to people’s lives than joy. People are going to start avoiding you because you are too stressful for them. They won’t want to talk to you. You ask too much/pry too much/share too much. You also aren’t friendly enough/sweet enough/open enough. You are a disappointment. A failure. How dare you.

Failure. Fail fail fail.”

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. Totally Detached permalink
    December 12, 2009 2:27 pm

    Did you scoop this out from inside my head?!

    I don’t have any advice or anything, but I do know exactly what it’s like to feel that way and have that voice saying those things that just won’t go away.

    xx TD

    • December 13, 2009 12:49 pm

      It’s so hard, isn’t it? I think the best thing I (or anyone, you included!) can do when my head starts being cruel like this is to search for the compassion in my soul. It’s there. We all have compassion for ourselves, it’s just that sometimes it’s easier to tune into than others. And sometimes it also helps to put this into someone else’s head. Like, if someone I knew (or even someone I didn’t know) said that they were thinking these thoughts, I would feel so much compassion for them. So, I deserve the same. We all do.

      • Totally Detached permalink
        December 14, 2009 3:40 pm

        It’s so easy to be nice to others and so hard to do the same for yourself! The fundamental problem I have with your excellent advice is that I simply do not believe I deserve the same! *sigh*
        I hope it’s working for you 🙂

  2. theediblegirl permalink
    December 12, 2009 3:03 pm

    They should list guilt and feeling responsible for every fucking thing as symptoms of OCD, yes?

    • Totally Detached permalink
      December 12, 2009 3:08 pm

      I think they are typical of many many different types of mental illness

    • December 13, 2009 12:50 pm

      If that was one of the publicly-known symptoms of OCD, I would have been diagnosed at such an early age, instead of waiting two decades! 🙂

  3. February 22, 2010 6:16 am

    Oh my. I thought this was just me? Eye-opening. Truly, eye-opening.

    Nova xx

    • February 22, 2010 11:27 pm

      It is absolutely NOT just you! You are not alone–not in any of this. Glad it was helpful for you to be able to relate!

      A.

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