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The facts.

November 28, 2009

I can only write the facts right now because getting into more than that is way beyond what I can handle at the moment.

1. My roommate is not coming back next semester. This was just decided today and there’s a whole lot more to why, and how, and all, but that’s the main fact.

2. This brings up a lot of feelings. Anger, frustration, sadness, fear, guilt. I feel guilty for being angry–This is about her, not you. How dare you turn this into something about you. Again, there’s more to the situation and about why I specifically am so upset.

3. Except I know, and I have certain wonderful people in my life to remind me, that it IS about me–because it affects me. And feelings aren’t bad or good, they just ARE. So whatever I feel, I’m entitled to feel.

4. I’ve been crying on and off for hours and I am feeling the tears start to come again. I hate crying but also I know that if I don’t cry and talk and write, I’m going to just stow it away and all the emotion will  be turned inward. And I know where that will end up leading to.

5. I don’t think I can talk with her just yet because I need some time to validate my own feelings, and allow myself to feel them. And my hunch is that if I start talking with her (like really talking) I’ll just brush my own feelings aside and invalidate myself. It’s good that I know this and am putting myself first, because I didn’t always used to do that.

6. I need to be really tuned in, in the next few days. Or else my core is going to disappear farther from me than it already has been, and I’ll end up in a not-so-good place, be it physical or emotional or what.

7. That’s all I can handle for right now. More later, or tomorrow, or soon.

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