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Noticing

December 29, 2011

My fear that something bad is going to happen to my loved ones is creeping back up, slowly but surely. It’s not debilitating, yet. But something to keep an eye on. When one of those individuals doesn’t answer a phone call, doesn’t call right away to say that they’ve gotten home safely, is out without me, is driving or flying or even walking, I’m worrying again. I’m feeling helpless again that there is so much that could happen in all of those situations that I can’t control, and I know nothing I can do can control it. I feel certain that if something were to happen to one of them (and even saying that, thinking it — I worry that I just caused something to happen. Magical thinking at its finest.) I wouldn’t survive it. I just wouldn’t. But I don’t want to think about it, because what if by thinking it it happens? Which I know can’t happen, but what if it can?

And I am feeling everyone’s emotions again. No, not even feeling their emotions. Feeling their imagined emotions. What if my mom is feeling lonely? What if my dad is stressed? What if my boyfriend is exhausted? What if my brother is scared? I feel it all, even when they tell me that they are okay. I still feel it. Until I become so inundated with every emotion under the sun, on behalf of every person I know, that I can’t breathe. And yet, I can’t let go of it. What if by not paying attention to a potential emotion, I’m being selfish? What if they really need me to acknowledge it and realize it and it’s a test? What if I could be doing something to help and instead I don’t? What if they don’t tell me how they feel because they want to protect me? Are they right in doing that in the first place?

It’s not debilitating. Yet.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. December 29, 2011 11:25 pm

    I worry like crazy too, so you’re not alone!

  2. December 30, 2011 4:38 pm

    I am so glad to see you blogging again! I worry about you when you don’t post for awhile. I love the way you wrote about taking on another’s emotions. I do that too! I worry that they are sad or stressed or sick and not telling me, etc… Don’t let it become debilitating, fight the what ifs! :) Sometimes I think people like you & I that are ‘so in tune’ with the emotions of those around us that we love – that we are able to pick up (and in essence worry much much more than we should) on those emotions and want desperately for them to be okay. Thinking of you! Hoping you have a wonderful New Years weekend!

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