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Is it real?

April 25, 2011

The other day when he and I were having a heart-to-heart about OCD, he was asking questions about it, and since he’s done a bunch of research on it (without me knowing–I was shocked that he looked into it on his own) he knew some of the things to ask, like, “It seems like a lot of people have violent intrusive thoughts, or sexual ones or ones that target their family or friends. Have you had ones like that?” And I was able to simply say, “Yes, I used to worry that I was a murderer,” and share a few others with him. Not the BAD ones, like the REALLY BAD ones; I told him that eventually I’ll tell him those but not yet. I did tell him how happy I was that I could simply say it to him without any spinning that it could still be true. Without worrying, “If I tell him that thought, he’ll think I’m a murderer and not want a sociopath as a girlfriend.” No, that didn’t happen. Those thoughts lost most of their power a while ago, when I first said them out loud. But the ease with which the thoughts slipped out did make me worry: “If I REALLY had OCD, I wouldn’t be able to say these thoughts out loud, because they would be torturing me and paralyzing me with fear. If I’m able to just say them like this then it’s not OCD. It’s not anything. I made it all up.”

Maybe writing it out will help that thought lose it’s power, I don’t know. But in a weird way, I almost wish I could get a little snippet of that paralyzing fear of one of those thoughts. Just for proof. That it’s real. That I didn’t make it up.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. April 26, 2011 8:40 pm

    What OCD experience would be complete without wondering if we’d made the whole thing up and wondering if we didn’t actually have OCD? I’m sure some people haven’t wondered that, but I have and I’ve read about at least one other who did. It makes as much sense as all my other fears, so why not?

  2. April 27, 2011 2:01 am

    Don’t let the “backdoor” spike get you! (That’s what my therapist calls it when it no longer gives you anxiety – so you get anxious because it’s not making you anxious anymore.) You’re lucky to have met someone who is so accepting and open minded. You’re doing great!

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