I’m okay…yeah, I’m fine. Whatever…
This is the recurrent thought, and the subsequent spin, that I am avoiding:
“I don’t really have feelings for him. He likes me more than I like him. My feelings for him aren’t real. I’m tricking myself into believing that I have feelings for him, just because I want someone to care about me. Therefore, I am a manipulative, pathetic, awful person.”
This is the recurrent question that I am avoiding:
At what point is it legitimate, and does it make sense, to increase medication? At what point does it become “I should not be struggling this often this intensely” versus “This is life, and you have OCD, and you’re never not going to struggle, so this is how it is?”
This is the compulsion that I’m avoiding thinking about:
“I want to wash my hands, or purell them, even though I haven’t really touched anything too dirty since I last purell’d them, they don’t feel 100% perfectly clean.”
avoiding dealing with the fact that it is taking longer and longer to leave my apartment each morning because I’m checking checking checking, everything.
Which then returns me to….
At what point is it a good idea to increase the medication, and not just a cop-out? Is it ever a cop-out? When is it legitimate? Where’s the line between “normal” OCD and “Okay, it shouldn’t be this intense this often?